I don’t know if anyone else gets this thing where they’ll get a line stuck in their head, almost like it belongs to a poem or a song and you just have to finish it. I get that a lot. Lately, I’ve been thinking that nostalgia lives in our bodies.
I took a walk around my neighbourhood a few weeks ago and as I passed my secondary school, I could almost hear the school bell and I could almost feel the heat from the brick pavement through my chalk-white school shoes. I don’t miss school much if at all, but in that moment I felt like I could go back, like I was back.
I still open doors in my house slowly and only a little bit at first before opening them all the way because I used to be scared that our cat was waiting outside for his time to bolt in. Katy has been gone for almost a year now.
My mum and I walked around Sunway Pyramid—a mall I used to know so well because I went there all the time—and was surprised by how disoriented I was. We played the guessing game of What Shop Used To Be Here Before This One as we walked through.
I smelled mosquito repellent being sprayed in my kitchen yesterday and instantly, images of Winnie the Pooh vocabulary books and the sounds chants my cousins and I used to sing before bed to stop us from wetting the bed (don’t kencing, don’t kencing, don’t kencing, while being held upside down) all came to my mind.
Nostalgia is shops and basketball courts and Ridsect and bedtime rituals. Nostalgia lives in our bodies, in our muscles and eyes and ears.
I was thinking recently about what a shame it is that I only started this blog in my junior year because I genuinely do like scrolling through my own posts and looking back on all the things I know I would’ve otherwise forgotten. I think it’s also such a shame because I feel like I had so much more fun those first two years even though I would probably tell you I enjoyed it less. Like, yeah, I was a lot more homesick and a lot less adept at coping with Penn but I also had more time and less responsibility. I also did very poorly in school Sophomore year, so I mean… maybe that’s why it was memorable.
Then last week while I was procrastinating doing my laundry, I went through my external hard disk (or is it a hard drive?! ugh I never remember this) and compiled some of my favourite old pictures. I know a lot of these pictures are so overdue and probably won’t matter to you but these are insanely precious to me and I don’t have much else to do right now so I’m going to tell you about them!
OMG. Ok. That’s all the pictures! That ended up being more words than I thought there would be but I hope you found these mildly entertaining, haha. I just wanted to have a mark of my first 2 years of college on here somehow before I fully close the ~college~ chapter. Expect one more post about my apartment after I move out and then I promise I will stop writing about Penn and Philadelphia, haha.
Every now and then, I’ll think of something I want to make but realise I don’t have one thing to do it. One of the things that one thing tends to be is a muffin pan. Well, this one week, (I’ve been putting this post off for so long I don’t even remember what week it was) I managed to get my hands on a muffin pan.
The first thing I made were these egg breakfast muffins. They were so good. I mean, it combines everything I love in a breakfast: some salmon slices, a bit of vegetables (tomatoes, mushrooms and spinach), cheese and of course, eggs.
All I did was sauté the vegetables a little bit with some garlic and olive oil, then add them into a bowl of beaten eggs. Toss in some mozzarella. Salt and pepper. Butter the pan. Pour them in. Bake at 350 deg F/180 deg C for about 20 mins. It’s that easy! I like baking because I can take a shower or whatever while it’s in there and I don’t really have to do anything other than wait.
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I brought these muffins to Astronomy that week (again, no idea what week this was). Ken and Hui Jie ate some in class and they didn’t throw up so I guess there’s that!
I also really wanted to make muffin pan potato gratins because I’ve been obsessed with this Youtube channel called Everyday Food—they make every recipe look so simple and so good that it literally inspires me to keep trying new things.
Anyway, so the potato gratin recipe was probably the simplest one. It’s probably one of the simplest things in the world to make, ok so listen up: preheat your oven to 400 deg F/200 deg C, slice some potatoes up thinly (I only used one), season them with salt and pepper generously and stack the slices up on the muffin pan. Then, pour some good old heavy cream over each stack of potato slices. The recipe recommends about 1 tablespoon for each stack but I just did whatever I wanted because I hate measurements.
You might remember this picture right on top of this paragraph from Jamie’s instagram post which I posted a screenshot of on my #TeamGratitude post a few weeks ago 😉 she really liked it, which made me happy!
Okay, so the last thing I made with my borrowed muffin pan was banana muffins! Bananas are not my favourite fruit because of their mushy, fibrous (?) texture. I only buy them because they’re super low-maintenance. Like, when I want one, I don’t need to slice it or anything like I’d need to with peaches or apples. (Yes I have to slice apples because I feel like I have weak teeth)
The thing about buying groceries in general though, is that sometimes I don’t know what I’ll need/want to eat. So I bought some bananas and ended up not eating them quickly enough. I had three browning bananas sitting on my counter and I decided to turn them into muffins. I know my mom makes banana pancakes, but I just can’t say I’m a huge fan of banana pancakes because I feel like it makes pancakes less fluffy (?) so I thought I’d try muffins instead.
All you need to do is mash 3 bananas, add some sugar (according to this recipe—which I’m not entirely sure is the one I used LOL—3/4 cups), an egg and some melted butter. Then add the flour, baking powder and salt and bake! I was actually surprised that the recipe was enough for 12 whole muffins.
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This was super easy, like I literally whipped them up just as I was about to go out to see Cristina that Sunday. They also seem to keep for a few days. I brought them to Astronomy on Tuesday for Ken and Hui Jie to eat as well and again, they didn’t throw up so there’s that! Haha.
Anyway, I encourage you to try some of these because they make your kitchen/living room smell sooo nice!! Also, I have a long list of other recipes I wanted to post about but never got around to doing so maybe I’ll do that this week or the next 🙂 until then, have a good weekend!
I really like London. In London, the news comes on and I recognise the intro tune from a time I can’t remember. There’s the corner of Hyde Park where we all shared a crayfish sandwich. Even tube stations leave me with a lot to be nostalgic about: I know I’ve been to Queensway with Eugene, we used to go to Holland Park a lot when my uncle lived there, we took the stairs down the Covent Garden station by (a huge) mistake once. We’ve been to this restaurant before. Oh, and there’s Whitleys, where Natasha couldn’t finish her sour mango ice cream.
I think I like places for a past. That’s why moving to Philadelphia over three years ago was so difficult. Here was a land I had never step foot in, one I had scarcely ever heard about from the people I knew. A switch in a mailing address does not equate moving homes.
But I like Philly a bit more now. I like that I’ve had the same apartment for over two years now. I like the way I can tell it has been snowing by the way the tiles in my apartment lobby look. I like how I know whether or not I’ll make the traffic light before I actually get there. I can walk to Van Pelt on autopilot and instinctively know to avoid the steamy pot hole on the way there. The way walking past Starbucks on 39th gives me deep chills because it reminds me of pre-sunrise coffee runs. This didnt just happen. I earned this. We earn the places we call home.
It feels surreal to be back one last time. It feels like it has been ages since I was last here, but at the same time, I feel like winter break never happened and the only evidence I ever left is the number of Sainsbury’s bags I have on my bedroom floor.
It’s bound to be an interesting semester and I’ve started it with…. a trip to the doctor’s and cups and cups of hot tea. Haha, sigh. I’m sick. Again. I must’ve gotten it from my mum and sister in London, but now I’m breathing through my mouth and don’t have an appetite and lol idk. It is what it is la huh?
I’m trying for a more relaxed semester than the one I had last Fall, which really kept me busy constantly. But I don’t know if that will happen. I was done with my president post in December, but now I’ve got my hands tied in 2 more side projects/activities. I’m taking 4 classes instead of 5, but I signed up for a weekly lecture series so it kind of adds up to 5. I’m still TA-ing for Intro Psych. So, we’ll see—it seems like busy is the only way I know how to function, haha. Considering I actually did pretty well last semester, it might not be a bad thing to keep my hands full. But I do want to spend more time with friends and enjoy the city before I leave. Hmm. Anyway, I’ll keep you updated 🙂
(shoutout to my mom for correcting 2 typos on this post lol)
It’s the last Thursday of November. The streets sound a little quieter. Earlier this morning, I made scrambled eggs for breakfast. It was a nice day—my ideal fall weather. My hair was freshly washed, my skin just-lotioned and I was in loose-fitting home clothes. I had my lychee candle and my peach candle lit. My bedroom was clean. I had a cup of tea by my side. I sat by myself, undisturbed, flipping through pages of The Liars’ Club.
I know I whine a lot about how stressed I am so often but really, if I had to do this for the rest of my life, I would not be mad. I felt so contented. My job everyday is to soak in knowledge, learn and just work on myself. I feel so lucky.
Happy thanksgiving, friends. Have a good, restful holiday. 🙂
Blogging this semester felt a lot harder for me and one of the reasons for that is I feel like every time I open a blank page to write, the first thing that comes out of my mouth is “I’m so tired” and I hate that. But I honestly have been so tired and I haven’t done anything fun at all, really (or, ok fine, very very minimal fun). I can even prove it because I put everything in my calendar, colour-coded. Classes are in peach, personal obligations like gym/errands/appointments are in purple, club events are in blue, meetings are in green. Social events are in pink and before this weekend, I had only 2 pink entries in my iCal. Both were on 6th Oct, during fall break hahaha.
So, I’m sorry to myself for saying this, but wow I’m tired. A good tired, but tired nonetheless. I’ve definitely mentioned this before, but I’ve had something due from week 1 to week 12. Tomorrow is week 13 and it’s technically the one week this semester I don’t have a paper due or an exam, but I do have 3 papers due and one exam on week 13 so I’m spacing out my work and writing my history paper this weekend.
With that said, I did manage to have some fun on Friday. I was honestly so happy about it. I don’t have classes on Friday, but usually I go to the lab to work on my independent research. This week, my supervisor/professor told us to take the week off partly because she was going to be out of town. That was the first plus.
I spent most of the afternoon doing readings and writing responses to readings as usual but then!!!! In the evening!!!! I got to see Anna Kendrick speak live at my school!!!! Ahhhh it was so much fun! She was here as part of her book tour for her memoir, Scrappy Little Nobody and we all got the book for free 😀 If you know me, you know that I love love love her movie The Last Five Years and of course, the Pitch Perfect series. She talked about how difficult the writing process was (she called it a “fool’s errand”), what she felt her most rewarding roles were (The Last Five Years and Into the Woods), a bit about her family etc. She was sooo funny and it was just a really good time, it felt like going to see a stand up show. I’m really going to miss opportunities like these when I graduate.
After seeing Anna Kendrick, I went to see Fantastic Beasts with May May! Oh my god, it was so good! I was a huge Potter fan growing up, like read all the books at least twice, seen all the movies countless times, so it was really cool to see the movie screen open up to that world again. I won’t spoil anything, but it was nice to hear Dumbledore’s name, hear Hogwarts being mentioned again after so many years telling myself we’ll never experience anything like that again. Because this is somewhat an epilogue to the Harry Potter series, it was also really cool to hear more about the backstory, stuff I’ve only read about in JK Rowling’s interviews, online fan forums etc hahaha. So thank god for profit-thirsty film conglomerates, I guess???
Then, after the movie, my friends and I went to midnight free ice skating at the Penn Ice Rink. The Muslim Student Association hosts one every year, and it’s my favourite event. I was very excited about it this year because I missed it last year due to paper-writing. It’s so much fun because usually in Malaysia, when you go skating at Pyramid or whatever, it’s just you and a few of your friends. But when the MSA hosts an ice skating event, I know so many people and it’s so much more fun because it feels so communal. Plus, it’s always really fun to see how good some people are and how not-so-good other people are. I usually suck at it, but somehow this year I did so much better! Like, I didn’t stick to the wall after the first round around the rink which is like a huge record for me. In past years, I’d be screaaaming at clutching onto the wall, which is fun in it’s own right, but I’m glad I did a lot better this time haha.
I was really sore when I woke up Saturday morning, but I had so much work to do I had to get out of bed even though I wanted to lie in all day. I went to South Street yesterday to do work at Ultimo with Hanna who I feel like I haven’t seen in ages. Ultimo has really good coffee and is such a cute spot to do work so that was nice. It was so nice just to catch up and do work together. I probably have mentioned this before, but Hanna comes pretty darn close to the older sister I never had. She’s so supportive and is always there for me. After doing work, we hung out at her apartment which is honestly just the cutest place and it’s in such a nice neighbourhood, too. She provided me with a pesto and cheese sandwich, which obviously filled me to the brim with joy because hello, pesto and cheese!!! Ugh, love it love it love it.
So I guess that concludes my fun weekend 😦 I’m about to go back to paper-writing… oh! Actually, tonight, we’re having a ClubSG/Malaysians at Penn potluck for thanksgiving which should be fun! But I’ll write about that next week when I get a proper ~break~ haha. See you next weeeeek.
When I was maybe 7 or 8, I was outside of my primary school waiting for the bus. I remember counting coins to see whether or not I had enough money to buy an aiskrim pensel, which was my utmost favourite at the time. I didn’t. I thought that the ice cream man thought I was going to buy something, so when I realise I couldn’t, I just smiled awkwardly and walked away. He called me back and scooped me some ice cream onto a cone for free. I was so profoundly surprised and touched. Especially now, looking back, it really overwhelms me because I know he probably didn’t make much. He must’ve felt sorry for me. But whatever it was, I was really happy.
Then, one day, I saw a police van in front of the school and some police men talking to the ice cream man. I had no idea what was going on but the ice cream man seemed like he was pleading with the police about something and they weren’t budging. They carried his motorcycle into the van and must’ve asked him to come along with them because they all left together. I still have no idea what happened. I don’t even remember whether or not I saw him again after that. But until today, I wonder what happened to him and wish him well.
I’m just currently sitting at Hubbub trying to write a paper thinking about this memory and decided I couldn’t use it to write a full paper so I thought I’d tell you because I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone about that memory before.
So yeah, for my memoir writing class, I’m supposed to write a paper about myself in primary school which is why I’m here combing through my sekolah rendah memories when I just got caught on that particular one because I don’t seem to be making progress on my paper. I mean, I’m supposed to come up with a 1500-2000 word essay on something and I have no idea what memory is significant enough to expand into that length. Eventually, my frustration lead me here where I am seeking refuge in a space I feel like I can just ramble about whatever’s on my mind, haha.
You know, it’s just so annoying because I thought I was good-ish(?) or at least like, okay, at writing about myself and yet I’ve spent 2 days going back and forth between things to write about and feeling like my writing doesn’t sounds forced, like it doesn’t sound like me without inserting my “um” and “like” and “you know?” throughout the essay.. I don’t know how to make it work! And it just sucks feeling like you’re not good at doing something you want to do.
Which brings me to my other thing. Last week, I mentioned that I had to do case practice. If you don’t know what that is, basically, if you’re interviewing for consulting jobs, a huge part of the job interview is solving a business case. And I’ve been practicing for a couple of weeks and I feel like I still suck. Like really suck. An interesting piece of feedback I got today from someone I didn’t know well was that I have “a great personality” but that I’m “not using it” and again, that’s so annoying (!!!!) because I hate feeling like I’m wasting my potential and I might ruin my chances at doing something I want to do.
I don’t know. I want to end this post on an optimistic note but right now I just feel like I need to be straight up honest about how the past few weeks have just been a rollercoaster of emotions. Super confident and excited one moment and then almost completely lost and hopeless the next.
And um, yeah. That’s… all I have for you this week I guess. I’m sorry this was a downer but that’s just where I’m at right now. Until next week. ❤️
(An update, 2.5 hours after initially publishing this)
Hi again. Um. I feel better now, hahaha.
See what I meant about the whole ups and downs thing? Anyway! There was actually a couple of things I wanted to blog about this week 🙂
First of all, I made sweet sour dory for the first time by myself and it was so good!!!! This is something we make a lot at home and I was just so excited to have a taste of something very familiar. It’s a little troublesome to make just because you have to fry the fish in batter and then make the sauce separately and I usually prefer to make one-pot meals. But it was totally worth it. I woke up extra early on Saturday just to cook this because I knew it was going to be a jam-packed day and I just wanted to make room for one hour where I get to just do something that makes me happy.
I also made sweet corn soup which is incredibly easy to make (a can of corn, some water, beat an egg in, toss in some crab sticks and add salt/pepper to taste!) and was also satisfying because it’s something I’ve loved since I was a kid. In fact, I’m finishing up the last of it as I type this and it’s still so good.
Earlier in the week, I also made this like chicken salad mix thing my mum makes sometimes at home, except, I took it up one notch by adding celery, cranberries and roasted pecans. I swear to God you guys, it was amazing. The bits of cranberries really made all the difference. I was quite sad as I finished the last of it on Friday. That’s really saying a lot too, because I don’t really like chicken. But it’s also super low-maintenance in that all I had to do whenever I wanted to eat was just add a scoop of this chicken mix into a bowl of salad or spread it on a slice of bread. So yeah, very delicious and super easy.
The only like, really ~fun~ thing I did this week was go to Manakeesh with Busra for desserts like baklava and knafeh—so good! It really helped me unwind because, as I explained earlier, this semester has just been a lot. We ended up hanging out for almost 3 hours and it was just really nice to put everything on pause for a bit.
So yeah, those are the highlights of my week. If you’re reading up to this point, I apologise for what a disjointed post this is. It truly truly truly is a representation of how piecemeal my life has been lately. Ok, now I’ll really leave you until next week! 🙂